OUGHTON'S INTRO-DUNC-TIONS, VERSION 2007

Steve Sirk
August 30, 2007

These are tense times for Crew fans. A four-game winless streak, including a bad home loss to DC United...a virtual three-way tie for the 8th and final playoff spot...the pressure and distractions of hard-fought, high-pressure international competition against local Hispanic rec leaguers.

It's all a bit stressful, isn't it? We could all go for a good laugh right about now. Alas, by my calendar, the Galaxy don't come to town for another month.

But that's where Duncan Oughton comes in. As the longest-tenured Crew player, Oughton has risen through the ranks from a rookie who got picked on by veterans, to a veteran who gets picked on by rookies. There's just something about the Kiwi that invites smack talk from everyone. But make no mistake-- he gives as good as he gets.

Last year, when the Crew had something like 746 new players on their roster, I thought it might be fun to have Duncan introduce them to the fans, who were clearly having trouble bonding with all the new faces. Thanks to Duncan's keen biographical instincts, we learned all sorts of interesting facts, such as the fact that Tim Ward drove a "That 70s Show Wisconsin Bronco", the fact that Ned Grabavoy has a dog named Mr. Chewbacca, and the fact that Andy Gruenebaum has a thriving underground DVD rental business called Rabbi Rentals.

The Crew have added many new faces again this year, and now that Duncan has had several months to get to know them, it is time for Oughton's Intro-Dunc-tions, 2007 Edition.

Like last year, I just rattled off a name and let Duncan tell us about the player. For the remainder of this article, the words are Duncan's. Any follow-up questions or comments by me are in parentheses.

Before I rattle off the names, let's turn it over to our Kiwi friend....

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DUNC'S INTRO-DUNC-TION TO HIS INTRO-DUNC-TIONS

Dear Crew Fans,

The 2007 season is over half way through, which means it is time for this year's edition of Oughton's Intro-Dunc-tions. We have a wonderful bunch of new guys who I will briefly intro-Dunc....is that how I make that into a word? Intro-Dunc? I will intr....I will give each new player their own special intro-Dunc-tion, so you can get to know them as I have come to know them over the last few months. This will allow you, the loyal Crew fan, to become slightly more familiar and/or confused about these new players who represent our city and our club.

Cheers, mates!

#8 Duncan Oughton

#1 WILL HESMER

Ricky Bobby, as he is often referred to, is not the unsophisticated slouch that this nickname might suggest. More tellingly, he is also known as C.C. Willie. That is short for Country Club Willie, a man who enjoys the finer things in life, like rocking his Polo polos and khaki shorts, imported brew in hand, while circulating with the regulars and making small talk at many a country club bar. A top man who can also play goalkeeper...who would have thought such a combination existed?

#3 BRAD EVANS

Many fans might not have seen Brad yet as his rather flimsy body has needed numerous touch-ups, thus confining him to his nurse's quarters for extended periods of time. Brad is an Arizona boy who was repeatedly bitten by poisonous snakes and scorpions in his early years, and has obviously never fully recovered. It has affected his dress sense, showering ability, and has led to some of his previously mentioned flimsiness. Brad is a genuinely nice lad with loads of ability, so we hope to see him on the pitch soon.

#5 DANNY O'ROURKE

Where do I start with Danny "Meathead" O'Tool? Danny is a local Columbus lad who finally, after playing for numerous teams all the way from the west coast to New York, found his way home. His smile has not left since arriving here, as now he can study the habits of "Mr. Muscle", Jacob Thomas, and try to move from his Baby Meathead title up to compete with the big boys in the Heavyweight Meathead division.

Around the soccer field or training facility, his motto seems to be "If it moves...kick, hit, or inflict some pain on it", so most people give him lots of space and let him hurt himself, which he enjoys nonetheless.

Being a local lad, Danny is well known in the community, because if people don't know who he is, he tells them forcefully.

He is also a great guy in the locker room. His jokes are improving, along with his wig, and he is slowly breaking his Starbucks addiction. Mr. Columbus? He may just be the well-rounded figure to take the title!

(Anything else about Danny O?)

Why? Has he been making rude comments and talking s*** about me? Has he?!?

(No, but he just seems like a character that you could talk about for an hour or two.)

I probaly could, but, I mean, I don't want to kill the guy. I mean, take a look. He wears his sister's t-shirts. He's doing it to himself, really. It's not my place to pile on.

#7 GUILLERMO BARROS SCHELOTTO

Again, like last year, when we had a translation issue with the Chilean, we had one this year with the Argentinian. But Guillermo....I have heard many different pronunciations of his last name: SkuhLOATo...ShehLOTToh...Ess SchkuhLOAToh...and another one that sounds a bit like escargot....I'm not sure which is correct.

Guillermo is a great guy who came here not knowing a lick of English ,but he is picking it up quickly. Even more importantly, he isn't afraid to pick up the bad words along the way. He has used these words to create some very unique phrases that keep the guys laughing at training.

Guillermo is a family man, and his wife is nearly due to give birth again, meaning he has been spending a bit of time picking up the family dinner from various local restaurants. I think he has been enjoying the burrito aspect of this task. Burritos are more Mexican than Argentinian, so it is possible that he had not been introduced to a burrito before. His addiction started with actual burritos, but before long, he was converting all of his food into burrito form. He would stop at McDonalds for a burger and fries, and then he would wrap them into a burrito. Pizza? He would roll it up into a burrito. He would go to a nice restaurant and ask for a filet mignon burrito.

We have really noticed this on the road trips, where he'll pour milk and cereal onto a tortilla to make a burrito for breakfast. It's a soggy mess, but it's the only way to get him to eat the most important meal of the day. Eating all foods only in burrito form is a unique concept that Guillermo has brought into the team, along with his amazing soccer talents.

#10 ALEJANDRO MORENO

Alejandro is our DT, or Designated Translator. He is the offical mediator for the group of players that has been nicknamed The Espanols. He translates for the Espanols, so on top of his salary, he is also earning translator money.

We acquired Ale' specifically because we needed a translator for the Espanols who could also play soccer. That way, it was only one roster spot.

(Joseph Ngwenya was not much help as a translator?)

Joe is a terrific person and a talented player, but he cannot speak English, or even his native tongue of Zimbabwean, in any sort of understandable form. He is a leally leally bad translator.

Alejandro is a tank of a forward, plus he can translate, so the squad is very excited that only one roster spot was needed to fill these two urgent necessities. His versatility has saved someone's job, so we are all thankful to have Ale' on our team.

#13 ANDREW PETERSON

Andrew is very quiet. He came from that Cleveland team...the Cleveland Steamers? No, wait, it's the Cleveland Stars. My fault. Andrew is a very nice young lad, and I have learned that he has taken a liking to the golf facilities in the region, and that he has been playing a little golf.

(With Andy "The Hebrew Hammer" Gruenebaum?)

Yes, with the Hebrew Hammer. They have become golf buddies, and you can only imagine how important free golf is to the Hebrew Hammer. Lucky for Andrew, he has been able to tag along with the Hammer, so he too has been enjoying his free golfing.

#15 STEFANI MIGLIORANZI

Big Stef is well traveled. He's a nice guy who was born in Brazil, went to school in the United States, married a girl with a European background...his kids are pretty much going to be the ultimate melting pot. I think the only thing they won't have is a bit of Kiwi, which is a shame, because it would put a touch of class into the mix.

Stef is a good man who likes to have the odd laugh. My wife and I have really taken to Stef and his wife. They are good people to hang out with, as any of you out there who have talked to him already know.

(I'm surprised you didn't mention the fact that he always wears a suit on game days.)

To tell you the truth, at first I didn't know if he was coming straight to the game from a wedding or a funeral. I didn't know whether to offer my congratulations or sympathies. Then I thought he was going to post-game parties with a higher class of people than the rest of us. But now I know he just likes to dress...for nines? What's that saying?

(Dressed to the nines.)

That's it! There you go!

#19 ROBBIE ROGERS

Robbie is a little guy from California who spent last year with Heerenveen in the Dutch league. He got homesick, so he signed with MLS, and then got sent to Columbus, which is probably just as far from his home as Heerenveen was in the first place.

In Columbus, Robbie is living at the Daddy Day Care Center with Timmy Ward and Danny Szetela. It's frightful to think that he has two bad influences bringing him up nowadays. I feel bad for the guy, because I think there is a genuinely good guy buried deep down beneath the Ward and Szetela influences.

Robbie is also a ladies man. Or at least all the ladies want him to be their man. I have heard many catcalls at various games. All kinds of catcalls. It's really bad.

[At this point, our interview is interrupted by Andy Gruenebaum, who needs Duncan's keys so he can get his cell phone out of Duncan's car. Duncan originally declines the request, saying, "If I give you my keys, you will siphon gas out of my tank and steal the spare change from my ashtray."]

#26 ANDY HERRON

We've obviously know Andy since his time in Chicago, where he banged a few goals in on us before. Now that he is here, his family has moved with him, which means that Little Herron is always running around. Just like Nesta Hejduk is a miniature clone of Frankie, Little Herron is a clone of Andy. He's always running around, then he'll do a little skill move....it's funny to see.

Andy's English is pretty good, so he's our back-up DT. That's "Designated Translator" in case you already forgot. Andy is also not afraid to throw out a little song. If I had to say one thing about Andy, it's that he's the Shakira of our group.

#27 RYAN JUNGE

[I struggle pronouncing Junge's last name.]

No, I think it's Yoong...or Joong...Jungah...Jingles, Jungle, Juggler...I haven't yet got that sorted out, and I think it frustrates him. Every now and then I will say it correctly, and he will get really, really, really excited, but then I'll forget what I said and get it wrong five seconds later. Now I've just settled on calling him Jungle Jim because he is a big guy and a meathead. He spends his time wrestling with Danny O'Rourke, who is a self-professed meathead.

Ryan is from Creighton, which I think is in Nebraska. There isn't much to do in Nebraska, which allowed him time to develop some unique talents. He can finish off a full apple juice in less than three seconds. If you give him an apple juice, it's gone in three seconds.

(Are we talking a Hejduk apple juice, here?)

No, we're talking real apple juice...the apple juice that comes from apples instead of grains. It's unbelievable what that man can do to a bottle of apple juice.

#28 BEN HUNTER

Ben Hunter is an Englishman. Supposedly. I have done some background-checking because he is also living at my casa. "Casa" means "crib", which is MTV for "house." See, I've been working on my translating as well.

Anyway, since he's staying in my casa, I had to do a thorough background check. Ben claims to be an Englishman, but here is what my background check revealed: His dad is an American. His mom is Irish. He holds an Irish passport. So here we have someone who claims to be English but doesn't have an English descendent or an English passport. That's really shady, so I try to watch him closely around the house.

He is very English in a lot of the things he does, but I think it's a desperate attempt to crawl over to the English side from the Irish side. Let's look at the facts, shall we? He's got reddish hair. He's got fair skin, so he burns on a cloudy day. He's got a good laugh, which surely comes from the Irish side. He also has good teeth, which is another reason I think he's a fraud as an Englishman.

#?? ANDREI PACHECO

Yes, we have a new Trini signing. We are just waiting on his work permit. I think he will have to personally pick it up during Carnivale, so I am sure Andrei will disappear for a few weeks. We all remember how Ansil Elcock and Kevin Adams used to disappear for these "international friendlies" that we couldn't find listed anywhere on the internet, but then, after some visa or work permit "issues", they'd come back three weeks later with big smiles on their faces. If Andrei's anything like Ansil and Kevin, he will surely follow in their footsteps.

I obviously haven't had much chance to get to know him yet, but being a Trini, he's not afraid to get stuck in. We look forward to him getting his work permit sorted out at Carnivale so he can tackle other people besides us.

Questions? Comments? Like Duncan's biographies better than A&E's? Feel free to write at sirk65@yahoo.com